Law Jokes
There are two types of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
"I don't want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is" Roy Cohn.
What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers? Law-suits.
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
Why should lawyers use lots of sun cream when on holiday at the beach? Because they're used to doing most of their lying indoors.
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
Tadbury was an entrepreneur with a reputation for dishonesty. One day, he went to Smythe, a new but talented lawyer. He told Smythe that he wouldn't pay any fees unless there seemed a clear cause of legal action. Smythe agreed to evaluate the case. After a lengthy discussion, Smythe told Tadbury, "Your case is absolutely airtight. The other party is dead wrong, and cannot hope to win the case. I will be happy to represent you for a retainer of £10,000." Tadbury then got up to leave. The lawyer protested, "But I told you that your case was good, and you agreed to pay me if you had a claim! You have to pay me my fee!" Tadbury replied, "Absolutely not. I'm leaving town. I told you the other guy's side."
Having just had judgement entered against him, Mr. Walters was upset to be handed his lawyer's bill. "It says here that I have to pay you £5,000 now and £500 a month for the next five years! It's like I was buying a top-of-the-line Mercedes!" The lawyer smiled and replied, "You are."
A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Apparently a real story: A lawyer in Charlotte, North Carolina, purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.